New Year

I always tell people I don't like New Years Eve

Between you , me and potentially the whole of the internet what I actually mean is that I don't like feeling like you have to be somewhere on New Years Eve in party mode , forced to stay up until midnight and the pressure of feeling like you MUST have fun at midnight while in reality you're just a bit drunk and talking to someone with halitosis yearning for 12 midnight so you can drop the facade and bugger off to bed. Just me ?

As a child at school then one of my favourite things was when you got a new exercise book to write in and that new pristine , fully of potential empty white page feeling is what I like about New Year

Its a mental clean sheet

2010 ( bear with me ... I will get to 2011 , I not that mential that I think its a whole other year) was a really crap year for me as in it was when all the anxiety kicked in and I didn't know what the hell was going on and honestly felt that there was no way forward. I don't mean that in a suicidal way as luckily I've never felt like ending life but if I'm honest life felt like something to get through rather than something to enjoy

2011 in the oddest way has truely been a gift as even though I've been through some really horrible emotions due to the anxiety and panic , then it was the year when I realised that I will be fine and I am a strong woman defined by more than a dress size or material things.

The last few months of 2011 have been a work in progress of me growing stronger and finding myself as a person and finding pleasure in the little things in life which is something I've wanted for a long time but never been quite able to manage before

What I would love to be blessed with with 2012 without sounding too mung bean hippy about it is to continue growing spiritually and to be content with what I have and what I am and use that as a building block to build spiritually rather than always yearning for something unobtainable .

I'll be spending 2012 at a friends house with Mr Kay and my friends daughter who is going travelling this year for two years so it will be a special one ( no pressure lol)

Mr Kay came home after his three days away and told me he loved me in a sleepy type way as he fell asleep. He doesn't say that often as he's not a "sayer" . It made me feel slightly less murderous when his snoring kept me awake until 4am .... ** slightly***

Bring on 2012. For the first time in many years I'm really looking forward to it

I hope 2012 brings all my blogger friends contentment with what they have or a move towards something which brings them contentment

MK xxx

All by myself

Its all quiet at the moment in my little corner of the world
Very quiet

For the first time in six and a half years I have three days to myself , just little old me in the house
6 year old is visiting her nana for some spoiling and Mr Kay is working away until Friday night

I was looking forward to it with relish but now it has arrived I feel a little odd and slightly discombobulated

I've always thought that part of my personality is that I'm happy in my own company. Before my daughter was born I happily lived on my own for long periods of time and if I'm around other people for too long then I crave being able to lock a bathroom door with a big bubbly bath poured or get into bed and have some alone time to press the reset button.
I think I'm out of practice !

I've saved up a few recorded TV programmes as Mr Kay is a TV hogger , got some books , got lashings of xmas chocolates in and I've got enough work to do to make me feel like I'm doing something but not enough to overload me so I'm sure I'll get into the swing of things

I've just been out for a long and windy walk and stopped and watched the wind making crazy waves on the reservoir . It was really nice and now I'm back the house just seems quiet quiet quiet.

I was really nervous incase the anxiety kicked back in but it seems to be staying low so let the solitude begin

Sober January and Sober Wednesdays

I’m going to do sober January in 2012 .  I did this in 2009 and 2010 but that was in conjunction with a milkshake diet ( Cambridge diet ) and lost 1.5 stone in the process both times . For posterity I should add that all that weight is back on my ass now … sob)

However – I’m quite excited about doing Sober January next month as a personal development project rather than a weight loss thing ( don’t get me wrong – if I lose a few pounds then I won’t sniff at it but I’m very happy it’s a no alcohol thing for no other reason than developing my life without chemical influence skills !)

I’ve been a little reticent about mentioning too much about alcohol in this blog so far as I follow quite a few recovery blogs and it seems churlish to say that I’ve been in a place where I was definitely drinking too much and it was adversely affecting my life and it felt unmanageable but then to say I’ve now found I can drink within limits I am personally happy with.

Everything you read online seems to result in the opinion that if you think you have a problem with alcohol then you most likely have and it’s a progressive thing and that’s the end of that. I personally think there is a middle ground where you can self-medicate with alcohol at a point in your life but not have whatever genetic build up it is that means you can’t ever drink within “normal” limits. I am very conscious of keeping an eye on myself now as if I went back to my binge cycle of 2008 or my quarter bottle of spirits 5 times a week  habit of 2007 then I like to think I’d just abstain and give it up as a bad job . All that said – it never pays to get cocky does it ?

I digress however

In additional to sober January then since the start of December then I’ve also thrown Sober Wednesday into the pot as a hopefully permanent fixture

Sober Wednesday sounds like I drink like billy-o every other day of the week which isn’t the case. I usually don’t drink over the weekend at all and keep to 4-6 alcohol units the other days but having Wednesday as a no argument no alcohol day (no matter what social event might be on or however much I think "oooh hard day – lets have a drink") is proving to be something I enjoy and I think its here to stay. Its good practice to learn to say no to a drink in the pub etc.  I don’t want to be the person who no-one ever hears say ,  “I’ll have an orange juice please”

Bring on January I say !

All is calm , all is bright

I have had the strangest two weeks of serenity and calm since posting last . I have in all honesty been putting off posting about this incase I jinxed things but .. my anxiety and panic has basically gone away

I feel a little discombobulated  ( always wanted to use that word!) as I don't quite know why its gone , there has been no change to general circumstances in my life but I have a little fizzy feeling of contentment in my stomach and its marvellous.

I found an old packet of arctic root tablets in my vitamin box and started taking those a couple of weeks ago but I'm hesitant to hail a miracle cure by pill as

a) I don't want it to be "cure by pill" if I'm honest as I've also been working very hard on other postive thinking and lifestyle changes and I would prefer that it was a combination of all but I couldn't honestly say either way

B) T
he arctic root pack was only half full so I've obviously tried it before without noticing an effect and given it up ( I think I vaguely remember ordering it in 2010) so perhaps its not just that

In the interest of fairness and incase it helps someone else I should say that the arctic root tabs are a trademarked version of rhodiola rosea plus some other ingredients and are manufactured by the Swedish Herbal Institute whoever they are

I did some googling around and there was a clinical trial for Arctic Root but it seems to have been funded by the manufacturer ( Swedish herbal etc ) so that doesn't prove anything either way I guess

Apart from the arctic root then I have also been making a conscious effort to let the little things go and I've been eating better and also putting in 5 twenty minute sessions on the exercise bike a week since the start of December

I'm also keeping 2 or 3 alcohol free days a week and sticking to less than 20 uk standard alcohol units a week (which translates to 11 us standard drinks for any readers over the pond)

I've pushed myself the last two weeks to carry out every activity which I've previously had to grit my teeth and push through anxiously in the past.

Shopping in crowded places – fine

 Meal out seated under bright lights without alcohol - fine.

Watching my daughters Christmas Play at the school – fine.

Driving by myself – fine

Not one but three last minute high pressure time sensitive work bookings – fine

Floated through them all with absolute minimum anxiety

I can’t describe my ( tentative ) joy !!

The oddest temporary mini panic attack cure ever

Ladies and Gentlemen
I introduce to you ..... ( drum rolls ) Wasabi Peas

I've been feeling low level panic all day . Its annoyed me . I know I'm supposed to be all calm and float through the panic but its peed me off because I just want to go Christmas shopping and enjoy it rather than feel panicy about passing out for no bloody reason at all. I could stay at home. I don't , I go anyway but I want to enjoy things instead of getting through them feeling all rubbish and anxious

Word of the day : frustration ( accompanied by wanting to throw myself on the floor shouting "It's Not Fair"

The low level panicky feeling carried on at home .  I cracked open a bag of Wasabi Peas from M&S and they were so spicy that my nose ran , my face tingled and my panicky feelings got beaten into submission as my body had to deal with super spicy peas

The strangest things turn up when you need it !

I feel quite chipper now - how odd

Edit : I just googled " anxiety and wasabi peas " because I'm crazy like that. To my surprise then I'm not the only person to have found this super nose running spicy distraction cure. Seriously LMAO.
Small plastic bag of peas is a new handbag essential

The Goose is Getting Fat

There is an old rhyme lodged in my brain which begins

"Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat "

I am that goose ( thats not part of the rhyme - thats me trying an analogy about ..never mind ..) What I'm saying is that my last pair of trousers which fitted me properly have become exceedingly tight over the last couple of weeks

What makes this so drama filled for me is that the trousers which are tight are a UK size fourteen ( and when I say tight I don't mean pinching a bit , I mean the full on bursting out of the seems extravaganza )

That technically means I need to diet right now before Christmas or go out and buy some size sixteen trousers for the first time.

I really really don't want to buy a size sixteen .

Buying the next size up is like admitting defeat and then you get all cosy having trousers that fit and expand into them and NO NO NO it's not happening. It'll be the whole " I'll just buy these size fourteens for now until I diet back into my size 12's " saga of 2009 all over again

Come to think of it I haven't been a size 12 in two years . Thats what happens when you buy the next size up.

I should mention here that even though the UK average size is 14 then the key difference between some people and me is I'm short. I'm 5 ft 1 . A size 14 on a normal height person is maybe in the carrying a few extra pounds category. A size 14 on someone short is fairly much dumpy barrel shaped. Bad news indeed.

So I'm darn well going to sit trouser less in my house until I can shoehorn the size fourteens back on. Thats a lie - I have some vile elasticated jogging bottoms which I shall wear like a hair shirt to do my daily 30 minute walk. And yes - I'm still doing my half hour walk all day so how the dickens have I managed to increase in size - HOW !!!!!! ( late night snacking and a trip to the chocolate factory with my daughter last week - thats how darnit )

Think of me sitting in my elasticated pantaloons chewing celery and sipping water while you all get into the festive swing of things won't you ?

A glimpse inside an anxious mind - the mind chatter

A really big part of my anxiety is the mind chatter and I thought I'd share a sample with you
I hope I don't come across as a total mentalist but it would be interesting to see if anyone could identify !

This is a glimpse inside my mind chatter from this morning. Lets call the two bits of my brain chatting AB ( anxious brain ) and RB ( rational brain )

To set the scene : I drove my six year old to school and  made my way into the school hall to watch her class assembly

AB : Shit - should have got here earlier . Now I have to step through seated children to get to the chairs at the back. What if I tread on a kid

RB : Shut up and walk

** I find a seat and assembly starts **

AB : What if I faint ?

RB : Why would you faint  - you haven't fainted in 12 years . Why would you faint. Oh just shut up

AB : Look I'm just saying , if I did faint ... then I would really frighten E ( daughter )

RB : Oh for F's sake ... you're not going to faint ..... shut up and watch the assembly

** watch for a bit **

AB : Gosh I feel really hot

RB : Shut up - don't even start with the " what if I get so hot I pass out " rubbish. Watch the assembly

** watch for a bit **

AB : Okay I'm just saying I'm going to stretch out my feet so they're not so hot and If I did faint then I could maybe faint quitely on that bit of the floor there

RB : SHUT UP .

*** finish watching assembly **

AB : Maybe I should just go home after instead of shopping for the casserole stuff just incase I get all panicky in the shop

RB : Shut up - I don't care if you get panicky in the shop - it wont kill you - you're going now shhhhusssh

AB : Okay

** See little one quickly - tell her assembly was fab - go shopping and guess what - I'm fine **


I'm obviously not chatting like that to myself all the time but thats a fairly example of when my irrational anxious and panicky side comes out

I'm so glad I can joke about it now - it makes ALL the difference

Happy thanksgiving to all my US online peeps - enjoy that turkey

Online CBT

I've just looked at my notes from some online Cognital behavioural Therapy I did a year ago when I started to take steps to overcome the anxiety and panic which had hit me.By coincidence the notes were from almost exactly a year ago minus a couple of days

I just want to go back and give myself the biggest hug. I'm obviously so lost and confused and frightened about what was happening to me :-(

There were some notes I made after a panic attack while I was in the house with OH and daughter ( then aged 5) one weekend afternoon and its just so sad to read how my main concern was to try and hide it from them so I didn't upset my little girl and how I was worried that I wouldn't be able to cope with doing day to day basics if this was going to keep happening

It shows that once you realise that once you managed to get over the fear of the actual panic and anxiety feelings then life just feels managable again

I actually had some low level panicky feelings while driving with OH to pick up stepson yesterday and instead of it being an issue then I was just mildly irrated with the hyperventilation feeling and made an effort to chat away and I forgot about it within a couple of minutes

Although I'm a bit sad about how much I struggled when I read back then I also can see now just how far I've come and how its made me take a good look at my life and make sure that I'm trying to do things which enrich my future rather than just floating along and taking whatever is thrown at me with a feeling of bewilderment

I'm definately going to redo the course over the next couple of weeks when I get some downtime . I only got halfway through last time so it should be an eye opener to see what is in the second part.

If anyone ever reads this who is back where I was then I promise you the key to starting to get better is realising that it wont hurt you however uncomfortable it feels at the time. Once you stop avoiding situations just incase you panic then you stop worrying about panicing and bit by bit then the panics power fades

I'm really finding blogging therapeuatic at the moment - and it great to see so many other people writting interesting posts in their blogger. I cant go to sleep at night now without checking out the updated blogs on my list

Action Time

The mad few anxiety ridden days out of the blue seem to have settled now and I feel much less jittery and icky.

The good points of the last week are that I've decided that I can't sit on my laurels and just wait for anxiety to pop along every few week - some positive action is needed as I've been a bit inert lately

I've been trying to avoid stodgy food , drink more water  and I'm trying to add a half hour walk to my morning routine. So far so good ( well for the last two days so early days really )
This strolling about is going to require something to keep me amused if I'm to keep it up. I've been popping on my headphones and  doing a walking meditation on my iphone  as I scamper about but I think there are probably only so many mornings I will be able to listen to the soothing lady telling me to feel the air on my skin and breath in and out . I'm trying to work out how to get audiobooks on my phone which should do the trick

Always keen to buy equipment for any new venture I popped on to ebay and bought some new headphones as mine are broken slightly. In a fit of madness I ordered ones with a faux leopard fur covering the headphone over ear bits - what WAS I thinking .

While I'm on a roll then I'm going to start working through some CBT online again. Its a free course which I did half of a year ago ( site called Live Life to the Full) . When I first did it then I was all a whirl with confusion and fear over this new found panic and anxiety and I remember thinking I was going to be waiting in fear for the next panic attack forever. I think its going to do me a lot of good re-doing the course with fresh eyes now that I know more about anxiety and panic and know that its not  something to be terrified of.

Gosh that all sounds very productive doesn't it. Time for a cup of tea

Nightime Anxiety

I count myself lucky that on the whole - my anxiety limits itself to the day or specific situations and it hibernates at night leaving me to relax a little

On Friday night I had three drinks and I struggled to fall asleep until about 2am and was up earlyish with my daughter. On Saturday night I didn't drink anything and I struggled to fall asleep until 2am and woke up at 7.30am as OH leaving for work woke up daughter

I therefore thought I would be set for a cracking nights sleep last night. I had five units of drink over the course of the evening doing some christmas shopping research online and then had two cups of herbal tea as I had started to feel flustered

I got into bed and felt a low level panic attack coming on My breathing went a bit hyperventilaty , heart felt fast and I felt a little confused and started the usual thoughts of what if this isn't a panic attack - what if I cant breath normally for someother reason .All the usually what if suspects

I know better than to just lie there after it hasn't gone away after 20 mins or so so I diverted my attention to wandering aimlessly round upstairs , plucking my eyebrows and took two Kalms tablets . All the things one does at 1am on a Monday morning. I felt the panic attack feeling go although the anxiety was still there and so I fiddled on my phone for a bit then put Iplayer radio on and listened to some comedy , went down and made a cuppa and dropped off about 2.30am

The point of this post is that I did good. I'm learning. I remembered to give the kalms tablets a try , I made an effort to remind myself that not sleeping isn't a major drama and tiredness the next day while inconvenient wont be a disaster

I think the only thing I would add in next time is trying to do a guided mediation or something

I dont feel anxious this morning really - some other times I have felt anxious about the fact I felt anxious and panicky and was tense incase it came back the next day which makes a cycle

I also think I know what kicked it off. Two things

The main one was I was writing in my private journal online about things not going so well with OH at the moment and the fact I dont know what to do about it. I think admitting there are problems out loud ( or on paper / screen ) made things a little more real and set off some low level panic. There has been quite a bit of sitting in silence tension between us this weekend and some tears on my part which no doubt aren't the key to relaxing

The second thing is silly but true. I was messing around with a mini breathalyser I have in the drawer and tested it and it showed a BAC result of 0.06 which shocked me a little as I felt that was high for consuming the equivalent of half a bottle of wine over four hours and I started to have some irrational thoughts about being drunk. After a cup of herbal tea the reading was nearly zero ( I tested it a few times and got the same result ) and I now realise I took the 0.06 reading straight after swallowing a swig of barcardi and coke instead of waiting 30 minutes so it was a false high. I am **fully** aware that this paragraph shows how odd this anxiety makes me at times

Okay off to stumble my way sleepy eyed through the day. I plan to be kind to myself today and I'm looking forward to bedtime already - its 9.48am !

Lists , lists as long as your arm

I've always been a list maker ever since I was little.

My favourite part of any activity which requires organisation is sitting and writing down the lists of what needs to be done and when and planning everything. Not so keen on the actual doing a lot of the time which is a bit of a draw back to the whole plan succeeding

I've increasingly found over the last year that when I have a list of things to do then I get in a right tizzy and a panic from the very start. Even a very simple list can make my head spin.
I started to notice that whenever I had things to do on a deadline , even if they were simple tasks then I would start to feel weak and shaky. At one point then I would start to shake when I sat infront on my laptop and hyperventilate slightly

Seriously irritating . Having said all that then I've still managed to event manage all the events over the last year which I've needed to do to keep my business going so it goes to prove I can still do it shaking like a leaf inside so I just need to keep going and all will come good

I've stopped writing crazy long lists each day as it just makes me feel bad when I don't tick everything off and this last week I've had my main list with everything under the sun on it which is full of less important things and then I have a small daily list with the absolute to do-s on it and that seems to be working better for me on the calmness front. I've also been putting one thing on the list thats not work like catching up with a TV series or reading. Oddly enough having a relaxation item on my to do list helps

I'm still a work in progress but at least theres progress overall

A veritable whirlwind of stress

My sweetness of doing nothing experiment bombed. Big time

As I indicated in my post before last , I managed the nothing part but the sweetness - no sirree Bob.

The pattern seems to be with my anxiety is that as soon as I notice a new symptom then I must panic in my head which intensifies it . After a few days / weeks then I can talk myself into accepting its not permanant and I can start to overcome the symptom.

It sounds like it should be really easy to stop straight away but it would appear that however simple it sounds then I can't do it

So this weeks "every muscle tensed and feeling of fear like someone is pointing a gun at me " stayed with me for a few days and it was icccky

Although it seemed to start for no reason it was compounded by a huge last minute work booking , slow client payment which meant I couldn't do the necessary organising until payment cleared , then to top it off someone smashed our car window in the middle of the night ( why why why why would anyone do that for fun ? ) , and then once the job was over I had a great plan to sooth my muscles with a hot bath and wind down and the bloody arsing boiler blew a gasket and we've been without hot water or heating for 3 days now because boilers only ever break down late on a Friday when no parts are available don't they ?

Thats all a ramble really as plenty of other people have weeks like that without being so tense they are internally shaking so only I can fix that part

I had a few drinks on Thursday after the client event was finished with the staff . It didn't help. There was no whooooosh and relax - infact I got a bit more tense . I'm annoyed about that illogically ( or maybe logically ) You see that wooosh and relax feeling is fairly much why I drink alcohol so without it then I've lost my reason to drink at all.

Its all a bit chicken and egg . Do I drink because I have anxiety and it helps release the pressure valve. Or do I have such a dodgy pressure valve because I'm using alcohol to relax which is impreding me from learning other ways. I didn't fancy a drink Friday , Saturday or Sunday and felt no less tense infact on Saturday the muscles in my neck got so high up that I had the worst headache all day and had to go out and buy extra deep heat spray to unlock it ( as I couldn't soak in the bath - did I mention the boilers broken - did I , did I ?? lol)

I genuinely don't know. Its not like I'm drinking everyday or at whopping amounts but now my mind is worried about drinking then even little amounts send me more tense sometimes

My anxiety was so much in over drive on Saturday that I went out and bought a carbon monixide alarm to check my headache wasn't from the broken boiler leaking gas

And just to finish this crazy ass disjointed post the plumbers just left and he brought the wrong part and can't get the right one until tomorrow PLUS OH just called and somethings gone wrong with the car electrics meaning the brake lights aren't working so he's now heading to the garage AND I've just gone to spray deep heat on my shoulder muscle and blasted myself in the ear .

I need a deep breath and a few days of good healthy food and a bath!

Putting things in proportion

Anxiety over nothing at all

Feeling nervous about an upcoming event - I can work with .

Anxiety over finances or relationship trouble - I can work with

However what I just dont get is anxiety over nothing which doesn't pass within a few minutes

Since last night my whole body feels tense for no reason . I lay awake and tense until 3am last night , every muscle clenched and couldnt seem to wind down.

Its now 3pm the next day and I feel the same .

The only way I could even try to explain it is to say I feel like my whole body is tensed in fear like I imagine you might be if someone was pointing a gun at you.

I get really baffled over this bit of anxiety - how can I learn to relax if I can't work out whats making me tense

I had a funny spell of what I think is derealisation yesterday evening. I was washing up while my daughter was having her bath and as I put the sauces from dinner in the cupboard I felt like I was watching my own hands but that they weren't really my hands. I suspect there is no way to even explain this unless you've experienced it.

Its only happened to me a couple of times before and by jove its weird. When I realised that my hands looked odd to me then I got that low level buzz of " oooooh shit " panic. My instinct was to run into the living room and tell OH I felt funny and to let him take over E's bedtime story but what would that achieve ? So I forced myself to continue washing up and then went up and did the bedtime routine. Felt okay for a couple of hours and then when I went to bed the weird uber tense feeling hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't shift it via massaging my feet or a lavender bath. Reading wasn't even a possibility and when I did fall asleep I had odd dreams about being chased so I even felt tense in my dreams ( most likely I was still tense and so it entered my dream as such ) but either way ...... ANXIETY YOU SUCK

I get confused between derealisation and depersonalisation but I'm sure its one of the two. I've no intention of googling it as I find with anxiety that reading about stuff just spurs it on as its mainly mental causing the physical ( in my own experience anyway )

One example of me believing that its mental causing the physical is that since I've been typing about it then I started looking at my hands on the keyboard and they looka bit weird again. Hmmmm.

So today has been a bit sucky. I felt better when I put the Archers omnibus on the radio and started the housework. I then got a work email on my iphone requesting that I organise a large event for three days time ( deadline for the client to place the order was a week ago but clients are forever pulling this short notice nonsense ) and I got tense again.

So I can handle it better now .... I feel tense but theres now a reason

Seriously WTF

I'm going to try and coax out a payment from my client and have a bath with some neroli oil my postman delivered today and see if this damn jittery feeling will get the hell outta here. It might as well because I'm going to be continuing with my life whether I feel jittery or not.

Grrrrr.

Relaxation is my holy grail

There is an Italian phrase  Il dolce far niento which I believe translates to the sweetness of doing nothing

I miss the sweetness of doing nothing , I really miss it . I used to be able to chill out and  just do what I wanted all weekend . If I desired to stay in bed and read all day , I did . If I wanted to have a few drinks on a Saturday night - I did . No feeling tense or worrying about a possible hangover 

 The irony is that It isn't a case of not being able to find the time to " do nothing" ....it's the sweetness part I'm struggling with . I just don't seem to be able to  relax 
I'm trying so hard to chill out that I'm rigid with tension with the frustration of not being able to relax . 

My daughter is spending the half term week with her grandmother and I am going to try and get into the groove of sweet nothing . Feeling anxious about feeling anxious is just the cherry on top of the ridiculous pie.  

My anxiety history ( part three )

By the start of this year (2011) I somehow managed three months where the anxiety and panic faded slightly which was more luck than design

In April I had an ear infection which made me feel like I was walking on a slanted floor and everything restarted. I also started taking Saint Johns Wort in a bigger dose which I also think made my anxiety worse. I say **think** because anxiety doesn't seem to have much method to its madness

I tried many things to make improvements such as mindfulness mediatation , guided meditation , lavender baths ,epsom salt baths , a multivitamin , Vit B12 , Magnesium , CBT online (free via a UK based site called Live life to the full ) , exposure to the situations that were making me panic , reducing caffeine and Claire weekes books to name but a few .

In the summer this year I finally reached the point where I realised that what I was actually scared most of was feeling scared , anxious and panicky
That might seem obvious to anyone who has never had anxiety and panic attacks but believe me from inside the situation then those feelings are so very intense and real that its so hard to step outside yourself and see beyond the racing mind , thumping heart , shakiness , wooziness and the tenseness of waiting for these feeling to happen at any moment , in any situation

Once I realised that I was more frightened of the feelings of anxiety , feeling like I couldn't breathe , feeling shaky , feeling confused and tense and that when these things happened they were indeed horrible but werent going to kill me..... then that was finally when I managed to start making progress with anxiety

to be continued

My anxiety history ( part two)

After my little taste of anxiety then the whole rollercoaster kicked into action big time and the fact that I didn't really understand what was going on kept the whole scary ride going

Just before the house move I started to have whole days ( unsually when under work pressure ) where I felt I was struggling to catch a full breath and would spend a couple of minutes in low level panic until I managed to take a deep breath . The the whole thing would start again
I knew I was hyperventilating and did some reading around the subject and tried to carry on as normal but it wasn't fun and I still found it frightening

To add some fun to the party then I also started having full blown panic attacks where the hyperventilation would make me feel confused , my face might go tingly , my heart would start hammering and I would feel so scared.

I developed such a fear of the anxiety and panic that I become tense all the time just waiting for the next attack to happen. Of course , because I was so tense and anxious about them then it was inevitable that this would kick off another panic attack and became quite a nasty cycle

At one point I could spend the whole day from waking with a feeling of dread as I was so scared about what was going on , and then have a panic attack a few times over the day . When I wasn't having a panic attack then I was scared of having one and had anxious feelings

I understand now that I had in simple terms frazzled my nerves by always being "on guard " and waiting for the next panic or anxiety attack and I had become afraid of the anxiety and afraid of the panic attacks and so the cycle went on

I look back now and just want to give myself the biggest hug for keeping going while I didn't understand it all
I would drive to the school to pick up my daughter shaking and hyperventilating and somehow hold it together. I would read her a story at night while praying I didn't collapse and that she didn't notice I was rushing the story as I felt I wasn't getting enough air. My mind was constantly chattering and thinking about panic and anxiety as it was so frightening to me and I really didn't understand that the fear of anxiety and panic was what made it so scary

To be continued

My anxiety history ( part one )

By the time I hit the big 3-0 birthday in early 2008  b I think I was aware I needed to reel things in stress and alcohol wise as I remember that my presents to myself were a yoga mat , anti wrinkle cream and a vague promise to do a detox. I was running my own business and was drinking about a bottle and a half of vodka a week ( 40 units ) while I got on with paperwork and business bits  while my daughter ( then aged nearly 3 ) was in bed

I was stressed but not anxious if that makes any sense

Two years (summer 2009) ago we moved house to a rented house that quickly became the house from hell. Roof leaks which got into the electrics and made them dangerous and a landlord who refused to fix anything claiming he had financial problems
I was still drinking about 40 units week but the stress was starting to show and I was having the odd mild panic attack

In summer 2010 we moved again ( to my current house which I love !!) and I cut my drinking down to less than 20 units a week.

To my shock - anxiety hit me big time and for the first time in my life I knew the difference between anxiety and nerves.

I can remember I was sitting in the living room one day and suddenly felt this pit of dread for no reason in my stomach. It was a bit like some one wearing a glove made of ice had put their hand inside my stomach and was twisting. It was really frightening and I felt shaky and "off"

In a bizarre twist given I was drinking much less then I read a website discussing alcohol withdrawal and decided that I was indeed suffering alcohol withdrawal

With hindsight - no I most likely wasnt and if I was then it was more emotional from not having a few vodkas each day to sooth my frazzled nerves but I went through a good few months where I cut right down on drinking as I thought those moments of fear , shaking and hyperventilation were due to alcohol alone

After a couple of months of this and minimal alcohol I realised the situation was a  double edged sword in that the feelings were not alcohol withdrawal at all but they were anxiety and panic attacks and they werent going away so easily without me learning to manage life without my little vodka friend  to help me

To be continued

Afternoon drinking

I've felt uncomfortable while drinking a fair bit recently and I was looking at it from the point of view that I had become over sensitised to the evils of alcohol due to all my panic and anxiety of the last year and all the thought and action I have put in to moderating my drinking

Reading around some recovery blogs and starting to properly look at my own anxiety has meant that I feel like the fog is lifting slightly.

Even though my alcohol units are at a level I am happy with for the week then I'm not sure I'm comfortable with "how" I'm drinking. I drink in the afternoon. I sit sipping away at three , four or five vodkas while I plough through the paperwork or housework. Drinking in the afternoon isn't the end of the world , it isn't a cardinal sin and probably isn't going to make me start drinking like before as that was self medication and I just dont feel that urge anymore

The point is that while getting slightly tipsy in the afternoon and relaxing once in a while is no big deal and can be enjoyable ... well Im not really doing it once in a while. I'm doing it maybe four weekdays out of five. I'm not drunk but I do get buzzed.

I think Im doing it because I have memories of really enjoying doing it once in a while as a treat. When I have some dull work to do then I rustle up memories of vodka taking the dull edge of things and decide to "treat" myself.  Something in me knows that I'm doing it too often for it to be a treat and so the alcohol doesn't always work its magic like it think it will. I feel tense , or uncomfortable , perhaps slightly anxious and feel like I'm having to watch myself like a hawk to make sure I'm not getting tipsy. Its just not that much fun when I it becomes part of my routine most afternoons .Beit two drinks or five drinks , its just not got the same buzz about it when you do it too often.


How often is too often and whether I should be doing it at all are not the topics on my list on the moment.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to drink at all .

All  I'm saying to myself at the moment is that I'm not going to sit in the house on my own in the afternoon working and drinking habitually most weekdays.

I have no idea if this is going to mean I start fancying alcohol on an evening or whether this is going to be a big struggle or easy as pie or even turn out to have no impact on my uneasiness about alcohol.  All I know is that it feels like the right thing to do at the moment.

Anxiety , Panic and me

I've reached the grand old age of 33 now and for as long as I can remember I've always had times where I've felt nervous or anxious over what could be silly little things or even for no reason at all.
To compensate then I've always kept it to myself  , locked away those feelings inside and pushed myself to carry on regardless and as a result I've gone most of my life feeling a bit ashamed of myself for being "weak"

That attitude culminated in me getting myself to the point where I was self medicating with alcohol to the point where I became very worried that I had a drinking problem . I moderated my drinking eventually and once my safety blanket was taken away then ironically it was then that anxiety attacks and panic attacks jumped out of their box , threw me over their shoulders and bundled me onto a rollercoaster ride which lasted just over a year and completely took over my life

It wasn't until I realised four months ago that I had become fearful of the anxiety and panic  itself that I began to be able to start to learn the skills I needed to deal with the attacks and then they lessened slowly but surely to the point where I still have them as mild feelings every now and then but I'm not terrified of them which means their power is limited    

I read someones blog recently and the sentence " you are only as sick as your secrets " seemed to leap out of the screen and burn itself into my eyeballs and I decided that now would be a good time to get everything out there and blog my little heart out and find other people like me

I'm not weak  , panic and anxiety is not a character defect and I'm not going to be ashamed any more about suffering from it