My sweetness of doing nothing experiment bombed. Big time
As I indicated in my post before last , I managed the nothing part but the sweetness - no sirree Bob.
The pattern seems to be with my anxiety is that as soon as I notice a new symptom then I must panic in my head which intensifies it . After a few days / weeks then I can talk myself into accepting its not permanant and I can start to overcome the symptom.
It sounds like it should be really easy to stop straight away but it would appear that however simple it sounds then I can't do it
So this weeks "every muscle tensed and feeling of fear like someone is pointing a gun at me " stayed with me for a few days and it was icccky
Although it seemed to start for no reason it was compounded by a huge last minute work booking , slow client payment which meant I couldn't do the necessary organising until payment cleared , then to top it off someone smashed our car window in the middle of the night ( why why why why would anyone do that for fun ? ) , and then once the job was over I had a great plan to sooth my muscles with a hot bath and wind down and the bloody arsing boiler blew a gasket and we've been without hot water or heating for 3 days now because boilers only ever break down late on a Friday when no parts are available don't they ?
Thats all a ramble really as plenty of other people have weeks like that without being so tense they are internally shaking so only I can fix that part
I had a few drinks on Thursday after the client event was finished with the staff . It didn't help. There was no whooooosh and relax - infact I got a bit more tense . I'm annoyed about that illogically ( or maybe logically ) You see that wooosh and relax feeling is fairly much why I drink alcohol so without it then I've lost my reason to drink at all.
Its all a bit chicken and egg . Do I drink because I have anxiety and it helps release the pressure valve. Or do I have such a dodgy pressure valve because I'm using alcohol to relax which is impreding me from learning other ways. I didn't fancy a drink Friday , Saturday or Sunday and felt no less tense infact on Saturday the muscles in my neck got so high up that I had the worst headache all day and had to go out and buy extra deep heat spray to unlock it ( as I couldn't soak in the bath - did I mention the boilers broken - did I , did I ?? lol)
I genuinely don't know. Its not like I'm drinking everyday or at whopping amounts but now my mind is worried about drinking then even little amounts send me more tense sometimes
My anxiety was so much in over drive on Saturday that I went out and bought a carbon monixide alarm to check my headache wasn't from the broken boiler leaking gas
And just to finish this crazy ass disjointed post the plumbers just left and he brought the wrong part and can't get the right one until tomorrow PLUS OH just called and somethings gone wrong with the car electrics meaning the brake lights aren't working so he's now heading to the garage AND I've just gone to spray deep heat on my shoulder muscle and blasted myself in the ear .
I need a deep breath and a few days of good healthy food and a bath!
I do know that my daughter suffered from intense bouts of anxiety. I encouraged her to seek help for it but she refused.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion alcohol made her anxiety increase. Just a thought.
I also suffer from anxiety. It's difficult for me to cope with it as well. (especially at night)
I certainly don't think it helps - especially long term as you are not letting your bodys own calming resources learn to work again
ReplyDeleteSometimes though the relaxation feeling wins in the battle between my sensible head and the part of me that wants a couple of hours chill out
Reading online about how dangerous self medicating with alcohol is does make me think twice though
As an outsider looking in (reading your blog) I can only tell you what I see. Much like what you see when you read my blog. I know I am blind to certain weaknesses - I am made aware of them by certain people lol. I really appreciate the feedback though.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I am saying here is I sense you are a little worried (well, maybe more than a little worried) about how it affects you or you wouldn't say anything.
Anxiety is a very difficult thing to live with and I struggle with it daily. Anti-anixiety meds, well pooey. They make me feel weird. I take diazapam as needed and have for several years but never more than 2 mgs a day.
Sometimes I don't take any at all and those are the good days. I try to control my anxiety by closing my eyes and going somewhere quiet in my mind which took a long time to do.... (months) However it does not work when I have anxiety over Nicole's death.
You don't have to post this. This was just for you, really. =)
Thanks :-)
ReplyDeleteI always have moments of nerves but this anxiety malarky is new ish to me
With the benefit of hindsight I think its been with me in some form for two years but for the first year I was unaware it was there as I was covering it up by reacting to anxious moment by having a drink or two . When I become aware of it a year or so ago properly I did a couple of sets of 30 days without drinking and became a little frightened of how much anxiety I had been unknowingly dampening down with alcohol so I think I make sure to mention it as I don't want to fall down what is a slippery slope
Now I've had a year with anxiety on and off then I'm getting used to its little foibles and getting up more confidence to get on with life ( now I've come round to the way of thinking that I'm not going to go insane or die right there and then lol )
It was a very scary time having it out of the blue and not knowing what is going on
I too find that when I can get into the "zone" and go inside my mind it helps. I can't always get there but I'm learning xx