My anxiety history ( part two)

After my little taste of anxiety then the whole rollercoaster kicked into action big time and the fact that I didn't really understand what was going on kept the whole scary ride going

Just before the house move I started to have whole days ( unsually when under work pressure ) where I felt I was struggling to catch a full breath and would spend a couple of minutes in low level panic until I managed to take a deep breath . The the whole thing would start again
I knew I was hyperventilating and did some reading around the subject and tried to carry on as normal but it wasn't fun and I still found it frightening

To add some fun to the party then I also started having full blown panic attacks where the hyperventilation would make me feel confused , my face might go tingly , my heart would start hammering and I would feel so scared.

I developed such a fear of the anxiety and panic that I become tense all the time just waiting for the next attack to happen. Of course , because I was so tense and anxious about them then it was inevitable that this would kick off another panic attack and became quite a nasty cycle

At one point I could spend the whole day from waking with a feeling of dread as I was so scared about what was going on , and then have a panic attack a few times over the day . When I wasn't having a panic attack then I was scared of having one and had anxious feelings

I understand now that I had in simple terms frazzled my nerves by always being "on guard " and waiting for the next panic or anxiety attack and I had become afraid of the anxiety and afraid of the panic attacks and so the cycle went on

I look back now and just want to give myself the biggest hug for keeping going while I didn't understand it all
I would drive to the school to pick up my daughter shaking and hyperventilating and somehow hold it together. I would read her a story at night while praying I didn't collapse and that she didn't notice I was rushing the story as I felt I wasn't getting enough air. My mind was constantly chattering and thinking about panic and anxiety as it was so frightening to me and I really didn't understand that the fear of anxiety and panic was what made it so scary

To be continued